The advantages of aging

There are distinct advantages to age. For example, whenever there is a disaster at sea, the older folks are allowed off the ship first. I’ve never understood this principle. It seems that younger people have much more to live for than those who have been around the block a few times. Only pregnant women merit easier egress than those of us who are in the state of advanced maturity.

Another advantage involves the issue of pressure to get things done in a hurry. For example, I notice that aging affects driving habits. Seniors never seem to be in a hurry; they’ve rushed all of their lives, and now it’s time to play the tortoise instead of the hare. Hence, we stop even at green lights to look around and survey the countryside as well as red ones, and we pay little attention to amber which, like us, seems quite unable to make up its mind. Do I want to be red or do I want to be green? We seem happy to merely be there in the car, a Zen-like simplicity, don’t you think?

Some people waste hundreds of dollars trying to cultivate this blissful state by attending yoga sessions and performing all sorts of uncomfortable asanas like the drooping dog pose, the wounded warrior pose and the trembling tree pose. All we seniors have to do is sit in our car, and a wonderful calming tranquility envelopes us. I call this the sitting-in-your-car pose. It might not translate well for other drivers on the road, but who cares? That’s what the fast lane is for.

Another issue involves accumulation. My spouse insists that I get rid of some of my prized possessions. I think that I might donate my skates and Detroit Red Wing hockey pants to the Hockey Hall of Fame. My tennis racket has Smithsonian written all over it, and my hockey sticks have curves that would make Bobby Hull proud. It’s hard to jettison these items, but if they go to a nice place where others appreciate them, that will make me feel better, particularly if I acquire a healthy tax receipt in the process. After all, when you are on a fixed income, you must become economically inventive.

Oddly, some of us are even older than buildings. Katherine Hepburn said that if you survive long enough, you are revered like an old building. What part of the building would you most like to associate with? Old buildings tend to possess lovely wooden doors with brass handles, exhibiting a unique combination of firmness and style, providing a sense of endurance mixed with a welcome salutary air. Can you picture a doorman outfitted in a neat tunic, swinging a heavy door open as you saunter inside?

Another advantage attributed to age is that others do not expect you to change your views on anything. They forgo long, philosophical explanations why you should support the coalition government or why you should become a vegetarian, given the beneficial consequences. Instead, they say something disdainfully dismal like, “I guess you’re too old to change your ways.” Of course, this, is a big mistake. We constantly change our ways because we can’t remember what we used to believe in the first place. That’s why we chronically tell the same awful joke over and over again usually beginning with this trite phrase, “Stop me if I’ve told you this one before…” then we gleefully launch into five minutes of torture for each listener.

I should note that I’ve discovered dramatic changes in the bedroom as I age. For example, no longer do I have to read a book to fall asleep. I can fall asleep in all manner of places: on the couch in front of the TV, in an armchair equipped with a comfortable stool for my feet, in the car, at church, while shopping, at a red light… virtually anywhere. In addition, I have noticed that our budget for items such as shampoo and tooth paste has been greatly reduced over the years allowing us to stockpile other items like bran as a substitute.

And unlike the heady times when we had children, nowadays, there are neither dead goldfish to flush down the toilet nor gerbils to bury in the backyard after short but appropriate funeral services. Also, I no longer fear quick-sand, poison ivy, floods and avalanches. I eat the last piece of anything without guilt or remorse and occasionally sample items in the bulk food store when I think nobody is watching. I regard these items as samples.

Nowadays, I get reduced rates for travel and movies, and I thoroughly impress children with exotic tales of black and white TV’s when the world was colourless yet easier to evaluate in terms of good and evil. I always get a seat on the bus and I quickly correct others’ mistakes without constraint or any fear of retaliation.

To conclude my thoughts on the advantages of aging, you probably think that I am going to finish by waxing eloquently with clever references to sumptuous cheese and wine, implying that age is essential to promote richness in life. Instead, I will tell you a joke. Now, stop me if you have heard me tell you this one before…