Welland Tribune e-edition

End relationship if early signs of abuse

ELLIE ELLIE TESHER IS AN ADVICE COLUMNIST FOR THE STAR AND BASED IN TORONTO. SEND YOUR RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS VIA EMAIL: ELLIE@THESTAR.CA.

Q I was 19 when I met my future husband. He was everything I wasn’t — self-confident and cool. He was 24, claiming to show me “what life is all about.”

I was smitten, but my father said I was too young for such intense dating. So, I started sneaking out before my father arrived home from work ... cheerily telling my mother I was going to a girlfriend’s house, a movie or studying with someone to get into a college course.

The lies worked.

Six months later, I was engaged with a modest ring on my finger and beaming happily. My father said he “hoped it’ll be all right.” My fiancé said we must marry immediately so my father couldn’t break us up.

Three months later, I was back home with a black eye.

I lied that I’d bumped into a door when I awoke in the night, so my soon-to-be ex wouldn’t be charged with physical assault. My father feared that otherwise, he’d stalk me forever after!

A lawyer helped me get a quick divorce and I moved far east across the country to relatives I’d never met before. I wasn’t easily traced.

My new-found protectors also made sure that I left no trail — they “lent” me a car registered in their family name, took me to counselling where I learned more than I’d ever known about myself and got me a job within the family.

I had a new life! Two years later, I was introduced to a man and my life started to become “normal.” Within the next years, I had a new married name, gave birth to two daughters and later a son, worked part-time and thanked my parents profusely for all they did to help me.

It Can Happen to You Too

A This is a strong message to young women and men, eager for love but not mature enough to recognize when it’s false.

To an adult out in the working world, such as your father, it wasn’t hard to spot a “user” with too much self-importance and nothing to merit it.

You thought you were in love, but actually only daydreaming about it and missing all the warning signs — his rush to control your time, to interfere with your studies, to lash out at any “disobedience.”

To any young person reading this: If, in a seeming-romantic relationship, you see signs of mental, emotional and — most worrisome — physical abuse, RUN!

Seek safety through notifying police, and talk to a lawyer if considering taking a charge of abuse to court.

Feedback Regarding whether to explain that a child has come out as non-binary (April 4):

Reader “The mother wrote, ‘I’m close with my child.’ How close since this conversation hasn’t already happened?

“What to say is her child’s decision, which she must accept whether agreeing or not.

“In 2022, I’m totally surprised that such a conversation must still occur.

“I refer to Canadian actor/comedian Colin Mochrie, who’s married to Canadian actress Debra McGrath:

“In 2017, with her permission, Mochrie revealed on Twitter that their daughter Kinley is transgender. In 2018, after Mochrie posted a picture with his wife and daughter on Facebook wishing her a happy birthday, he received hateful comments from trolls.

“He responded in a post the following day: ‘Thanks to the fans of this page for being supportive and human. To the trolls, my thoughts and prayers to your body for losing their mind and soul so tragically.’ ”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Dating when inexperienced can cause unpleasant tensions. Keep hopes and dreams real, not fantasy.

ARTS & LIFE

en-ca

2022-05-25T07:00:00.0000000Z

2022-05-25T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://wellandtribune.pressreader.com/article/281595244151366

Toronto Star Newspapers Limited